Introspection & Inspiration

Patterns, Journals, Music

Hey friends!

I can’t believe it’s Thursday again already. The weeks go by so fast here.

This week has been pretty emotional for me. I was on my period for most of it, and noticed, for the first time in a while, a sense of existential dread, uncertainty with what I’m doing in my life, and anxiety around my relationships. I’ve been accustomed to these feelings in the past, but hadn’t let them in in a while.

I was pretty tired and zombie-like Friday-Sunday. I met up with some friends, played some music, wrote a ballad based on a story of a friend’s miscarriage, and spent some time alone in a park, drawing and listening to an On Being podcast about prayer.

As someone who feels drawn towards prayer, that podcast was really helpful. It was an interview with Roberta Bondi, a theologian and pastor, who thought of prayer as simply a relationship with God, like any relationship with a close loved one. It doesn’t have to be full attention all the time. Sometimes it looks like an acknowledgement of God’s presence, an invitation into a moment, or a pause of gratitude before a meal. And there’s no right way to do it! It’s about what works for you! Phew. I’ll link it here.

Then I did the trippy thing of reading through my old journals from the end of high school into college, and also from a year ago. I found myself surprised by my wisdom coming out of high school, and also the cyclical nature of the things I keep realizing, forgetting, and then realizing again. And I realized I’d like to make a point of reading through old journals more often, and making a meta list/observation of patterns. Because boy oh boy, I found the me of the past facing such similar fears, anxieties, and attachments as the me of the present. Oh how life keeps turning back on itself!

It was nice to delve into that introspection on Sunday. It felt like part of the winter I hadn’t had during the winter. And it also brought up a lot of anxieties around my current relationships and how my patterns play into them.

Monday and Tuesday were similarly reeling with introspection and big emotions. I was feeling insecure and scared, especially around putting on Grasping at Straws again for the people who have experienced some of the stories it’s about. But I rehearsed it with my friends Keegan and Griffy and they provided some really helpful feedback and encouragement. I decided to do a bit of a rewrite with the present me as a narrator. This has helped me feel more connected to these stories and form more of a critical perspective on them, four years in the making. It’s been so good processing this again, and opening the doorway to process it with my comrades here.

On Tuesday night I played a show at This & That with some awesome people, and made some great new friends. It felt really raw and magic, because I was in such a vulnerable place. But for the first time in that state, I felt like I could share it with the audience, and it actually felt relieving and healing to do so. So that’s cool!

Then on Wednesday I did Minneapolis’ paid busking program. I busked for two hours on Nicollet Mall. It was drizzling and mostly dreary, but people actually came and listened and were very appreciative.

One man named Arturo came up to me with tears in his eyes, and said “you don’t know how much I needed this”. He stuck around, and wept as I played “Light of a Clear Blue Morning” by Dolly Parton. When I started to pack up, he searched his bag for money. All he had was his sobriety coins and a penny. He tried to offer these to me. I have him a hug instead, and he broke down.

He told me a bit about his life and what was happening, and how he felt it was a trial from God. Somehow he had faith, when he had nothing else but the clothes on his back and one small bag. He’d lost his family, his job, his home and his car. But he was still so soft and open to the world.

The interaction really touched me. I left feeling really grateful for my life, and so glad that my joy can bring others joy sometimes too, and that through music, I can touch hearts.

Loves, take heart. I am grateful for you.

Sparkles,

Lucy